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The time has finally come where I've decided to put this whole "experience" into writing (since it's been in my mind for weeks now so I think it's a calling to write it down...yeah...?)
I was always at the top of my game, or at least I believed I was, but during around late 2018, things (academic stuff) were slowly getting out of my control and around early 2019, I completely lost control of everything.
Things completely getting out of my control had been really shocking to me mentally and emotionally. And this was when I entered my saddest and darkest phase of my life (others call it depression but I really don't know if I had one since I really didn't go for a medical attention).
So how was I like during those times?
-I cry numerous times every single day (when taking a shower, talking to my college friends, reading Taiga's blog, before going to sleep, etc)
-I strongly wished for me to just disappear (I didn't wish for me to end my own life but I did wish for me to meet an accident or anything that would make me disappear in this world...thoughts like that)
-The first thing that comes to my mind every single morning I wake up is "Why am I still alive?"
-I would feel like puking every single time I would pass by the places where we do our school requirements.
-I feel anxious the whole day. The only time I don't feel anxious is when I was asleep.
-I rarely replied to my closest friends or talked about this whole situation while I was on it (which I realized when I was finally over this phase and started opening up to my closest friends about this whole thing @.@ this realization is scary actually)
I felt completely unmotivated amd exhausted. My happy pills, aka fandom, wasn't helping me to feel better anymore. And I started to hate the the motivational phrases like "good luck" or "you can do it" coz I CAN'T DO IT!
Then one day a thought of accepting the whole "failing and getting defeated" concept crossed my mind. I thought like "Hey, it's okay to accept defeat. It's okay to fail. They're part of growing up!"
I thought that that makes sense! But did I accept it? Well, at first, everytime I think that I have failed, I would get teary eyes. Then, I repeated this whole "it's okay to fail and accept defeat" concept before sleeing until it gradually became natural to me and magically it didn't hurts anymore!
I had 4 months of summer vacation during the end of that semester because the university decided to change the school calendar.
I had a chance to do some "summer clinic" for a month to complete my requirements. But am I ready for that stress?? Well, a big NO. So I decided to use those 4 whole months to "re-establish" myself instead. I tried to have a detox from everything that had to do with my course and seized the 4 months to do things that I had always wanted to do.
For the first 2 months, I had an office-like summer job which is quite a huge deal for me since I won't be having any opportunity of experiencing an office kind of work in the future (considering my course).
I met people from different fields (like non-med fields) which is amazing. Besides, they don't know me nor my story which really felt refreshing (after all the pressures and such from ppl at my uni).
And the work is totally different from what I usually do in school which made me realize that I really do like my course but I just really needed a break.
Then during the 3rd month, I studied Japanese for JLPT. Yup, I registered lol coz why not? It's good to test yourself with different things once in a while. It keeps your brain working without burning out yourself.
Then on the 4th month, I had driving lessons. (I got my license and now I'm a paper driver orz)
During these whole 4 months, I focused on SELF-LOVE. I watched youtubers who really are advocates of self-love. I also read self-help books which really are an eye opener!! I read "The Things You Can Only See When You Slow Down" by Haemin Sunim and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fck" by Mark Manson
Did I get back to my game?
A BIG YES
I don't want to go back to that rock bottom phase of mine again. Just remembering what happened makes me teary and scared. It was really a scary phase where I couldn't ask for help. So to avoid going back to that "phase", I looked at where things might have gone wrong.
I learned that it's okay to feel down and sad. Now, everytime I feel this way, I tell it to my closest friends. I learned that communication is really really important and to not close your doors when you're in pitch black.
I also learned to be not so strict to myself. That it's okay to make mistakes and errors. That there are days where things won't really go well.
Lastly, take a break. Taking a break won't harm anyone.
Well if you've reached until here, then thank you for reading this random mumbling slash sharing of mine 😊
Btw, this is also the reason why I can't remember/don't know most of the things that had happened in 2019.
Anyway, writing this made me finally free from that "past""
I was always at the top of my game, or at least I believed I was, but during around late 2018, things (academic stuff) were slowly getting out of my control and around early 2019, I completely lost control of everything.
Things completely getting out of my control had been really shocking to me mentally and emotionally. And this was when I entered my saddest and darkest phase of my life (others call it depression but I really don't know if I had one since I really didn't go for a medical attention).
So how was I like during those times?
-I cry numerous times every single day (when taking a shower, talking to my college friends, reading Taiga's blog, before going to sleep, etc)
-I strongly wished for me to just disappear (I didn't wish for me to end my own life but I did wish for me to meet an accident or anything that would make me disappear in this world...thoughts like that)
-The first thing that comes to my mind every single morning I wake up is "Why am I still alive?"
-I would feel like puking every single time I would pass by the places where we do our school requirements.
-I feel anxious the whole day. The only time I don't feel anxious is when I was asleep.
-I rarely replied to my closest friends or talked about this whole situation while I was on it (which I realized when I was finally over this phase and started opening up to my closest friends about this whole thing @.@ this realization is scary actually)
I felt completely unmotivated amd exhausted. My happy pills, aka fandom, wasn't helping me to feel better anymore. And I started to hate the the motivational phrases like "good luck" or "you can do it" coz I CAN'T DO IT!
Then one day a thought of accepting the whole "failing and getting defeated" concept crossed my mind. I thought like "Hey, it's okay to accept defeat. It's okay to fail. They're part of growing up!"
I thought that that makes sense! But did I accept it? Well, at first, everytime I think that I have failed, I would get teary eyes. Then, I repeated this whole "it's okay to fail and accept defeat" concept before sleeing until it gradually became natural to me and magically it didn't hurts anymore!
I had 4 months of summer vacation during the end of that semester because the university decided to change the school calendar.
I had a chance to do some "summer clinic" for a month to complete my requirements. But am I ready for that stress?? Well, a big NO. So I decided to use those 4 whole months to "re-establish" myself instead. I tried to have a detox from everything that had to do with my course and seized the 4 months to do things that I had always wanted to do.
For the first 2 months, I had an office-like summer job which is quite a huge deal for me since I won't be having any opportunity of experiencing an office kind of work in the future (considering my course).
I met people from different fields (like non-med fields) which is amazing. Besides, they don't know me nor my story which really felt refreshing (after all the pressures and such from ppl at my uni).
And the work is totally different from what I usually do in school which made me realize that I really do like my course but I just really needed a break.
Then during the 3rd month, I studied Japanese for JLPT. Yup, I registered lol coz why not? It's good to test yourself with different things once in a while. It keeps your brain working without burning out yourself.
Then on the 4th month, I had driving lessons. (I got my license and now I'm a paper driver orz)
During these whole 4 months, I focused on SELF-LOVE. I watched youtubers who really are advocates of self-love. I also read self-help books which really are an eye opener!! I read "The Things You Can Only See When You Slow Down" by Haemin Sunim and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fck" by Mark Manson
Did I get back to my game?
A BIG YES
I don't want to go back to that rock bottom phase of mine again. Just remembering what happened makes me teary and scared. It was really a scary phase where I couldn't ask for help. So to avoid going back to that "phase", I looked at where things might have gone wrong.
I learned that it's okay to feel down and sad. Now, everytime I feel this way, I tell it to my closest friends. I learned that communication is really really important and to not close your doors when you're in pitch black.
I also learned to be not so strict to myself. That it's okay to make mistakes and errors. That there are days where things won't really go well.
Lastly, take a break. Taking a break won't harm anyone.
Well if you've reached until here, then thank you for reading this random mumbling slash sharing of mine 😊
Btw, this is also the reason why I can't remember/don't know most of the things that had happened in 2019.
Anyway, writing this made me finally free from that "past""
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